Not the Merriest Christmas

It feels impossible that its been 13 weeks tomorrow since my sweet baby was taken from me. Sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday and other times it feels like it was an eternity ago. My sweet innocent angel was taken from life before she even got a chance to live it.

 .... And today was my due date. If things had gone the way they were supposed to I would be either ready to pop or already have my sweet angel. I'd be a mommy to a sweet newborn little Avery but no. I'm here, no big belly and no baby.

I have good days and I have bad days but I never even have 5 minutes where she doesn't cross my mind. I would do anything to hold or kiss her one more time, but I can't. I will sit here and smile and celebrate Christmas with my family just like any year but deep down it will be a lot different. Not just for me and Ethan, for everyone. Everyone loved her and wanted her here, and even if they don't think about her daily or aren't heartbroken anymore (and even if they never were.) It will be different for them too.

 I want my baby. I want her in the tiny bib I bought way early on in my pregnancy that said "My First  Christmas" that I have now lovingly passed on to friends who have a baby who will wear it. I want to be eating spicy food and walking to try and make this baby come. I want to be up all night with her. I miss her so and no Christmas will ever be the same. No day will ever be the same. Nothing will ever be the same.

 As I try to "move on" in life and give back, I still think of her and want her everyday. I will think of her today as I open gifts, eat and spend time to the people I love most in this world and I will wonder what it would be like if things had gone the way the should have.

 Merry Christmas Avery Faith, mommy loves you forever.

The Loves of my Life

 Today is my amazing Ethan's birthday. I am so incredibly lucky to have him in my life. I learn that more and more everyday and I fall more in love with him everyday as well. No matter what happens he's always there for me and loves me through it. When I'm having a horrible time and sobbing and can barley stand living without our baby he's there to hold me and kiss my head and help me. Even though I know he's grieving and feeling just what I am too, he's there whenever I need him. He's been working so so hard lately and today he had the day off and I've been determined to make his 22nd birthday a good one.

Watching the love of my life hold the other love of my life; our baby for the first time, melted my heart. It made me fall so much more in love with him. I will never forget the facial expression he had while he held her. It was pure love but also so much sadness. We'd just been told she wouldn't live and they couldn't help her. He was looking at her and I've never seen anyone look more in love in their life but his eyes were welled up with tears of sadness, heartbreak, and helplessness. He pulled her up closer to him and kissed her little face "I love you, Avery" he said. He brought her over to me and said "Olivia, this is our baby. Look at her!" I was in shock and was just as in love as he was. Our little family was all together, holding each other in the operating room. The nurse asked if I wanted to do skin to skin and I did. She undid the whole top of my hospital gown and laid my baby girl on my breast. She started squirming and breathing and her heart rate went up. I sang "You are My Sunshine" to her and she squeezed Ethan's finger. He had his other arm rubbing my hair. We were together and I knew I could never love another man more than him and that I loved our little family more than anything.

 The feeling I got when they set my little baby girl on my chest was the most overpowering love I've ever felt. It was the happiest I've ever been but also the most heartbroken I've ever been too. All at the same time.

 I learn more everyday how lucky I am to have been blessed with these two in my life. Avery has taught me so much about life. I'm really having a shitty time dealing with her death but I'm so grateful for all the time I got with her. No matter how short. I love her so much. I'm so lucky to have Ethan by my side for our whole grieving process and my whole life.

 Happy Birthday Ethan, thank you for everything you do for me. I don't tell you enough how grateful I am to have you. Our baby girl was so lucky too, to have a daddy as amazing and loving as you are. I love you and Avery more than life its self and would do anything for you two.

Here is Avery's Birthday Card to her Daddy...