These are the letters Ethan and I wrote and read to Avery at the memorial service.
Ethan's Letter:
Dear Avery,
It’s been one month since we had to say good-bye and not a day goes by that I don’t think about you and wish you were still here with us. I remember hearing your heart beat for the first time and how excited I was. Everything started to feel so real in that moment. I was going to be a father. Weeks passed and I eagerly counted down the days between ultrasounds. Your mom and I would check her pregnancy app to see how big you were compared to various fruits. We’d started going to stores and registering for your baby shower. I couldn’t wait to meet you! Every kick I felt through your mommy’s tummy put a huge smile on my face.
I found it very difficult to contain my excitement on the day of our 21 week appointment. We hadn’t seen how much you’d grown since 14 weeks! That excitement turned into horror when we were told that something was very wrong. No parent wants to hear that something is wrong with their baby and I never thought I would be given that kind of news. I wanted to know why this happened to us, to our baby. When the perinatologist told us that you wouldn’t live long after birth, my heart sank. All the plans and hopes I had for you were being ripped away and there was nothing I could do about it. The kicks that made me smile were now bittersweet as I knew there was only a short time before I wouldn’t feel those kicks anymore.
Your mom and I tried everything we could do to help you. I know you didn’t like being stuck with that shunt; I can’t imagine that felt too comfortable. I wish you hadn’t pulled it out but I understand; I probably would have done the same thing. We wanted to meet you so badly and when they told us how much time they thought we had left, we knew exactly what we had to do. I am grateful for every minute we got to spend with you even though I wished we could have had many more. When the doctor placed you in my arms, all I could do was smile and look at you. You were perfect! I felt a love so strong in that moment that I find difficult to describe. I was so happy to see you and so sad because I knew there wasn’t much time.
I handed you over to your mommy and knelt beside her as she held you. I never wanted that moment to end. She started to sing to you and I held your hand with my finger. I was so glad to have our little family together in that room. I wished there was something, anything, I could do to help you right then. I didn’t want you to leave us. I had so many things I wanted to teach you and show you. I wanted to be there for all the milestones like rolling over, crawling, walking, and talking. I wanted to know what your favorite color was or which Disney princess you liked the most. I wanted to go to your tea parties and let you paint my nails. I wanted all these things but unfortunately they are “wants” that don’t get to come true.
It’s hard for me to not think about everything that didn’t get to happen but I am so thankful that I got to meet you and hold you close to me. I would not trade those 86 minutes for anything in the world.
Your time with us was short, but you have changed me forever. I know that you are watching over us now and I hope I can make you proud to call me your dad. I love you so much Avery Faith and I always will. I promise I’ll take good care of mommy for you until we see you again one day.
All my love,
Daddy
My Letter:
My sweet Avery,
I remember the day I first saw you on the ultrasound machine. You looked like a tiny little bean. I watched the flicker of your heart and couldn’t help but smile. My heart felt warm and I was so happy to see you. My whole self loved this tiny bean that was growing inside me and I knew I wouldn’t let anyone hurt you. I would protect you with my life, forever.
Every single doctor appointment I had, I worried something would have happened to you but every time I was wrong and you were healthy and happy in there. The flicker of your heart never stopped. You grew and became less of a bean and more of a human. I saw your nose and your fingers and every time I fell more and more in love with you. The doctors assured me that I worried to much and you were perfectly happy and healthy. Every time I threw up with my horrible morning sickness, no matter how miserable my body felt. I smiled because that meant you were still there growing and that made my heart happy.
We went in at 14 weeks to find out your gender. Everyone was so sure you were a girl, including me. We chatted with the ultrasound techs and my mom, your Mamey kept making comments about how she just KNEW you were a girl. The tech quietly took pictures and pointed out things like your fingers and toes. She then told us “Okay, I know what you’re having!” I couldn’t wait to hear her say “Girl!” but she didn’t... She said “It’s a boy.” I was in shock. I was still so happy but in total shock. I think the only one in more shock than I was, was mamey. “A BOY!?” she asked in utter disbelief. The tech assured us you were indeed a boy.
As the days went on it sunk in that I was having a bouncing baby boy. I got excited and found all the cute boy stuff, I just had to buy for you. I was so excited for my baby shower and the day I’d get to meet you and hold you and kiss you for the very first time. The weeks went by and we would listen to your heart beat on the doppler I bought because I was so paranoid something would happen to you. Every time you had a strong heartbeat. That sound became my favorite sound in the entire world. I could have listened to it for hours on end. I still could. Back when we found out you were a boy we had your heartbeat recorded and put into a stuffed turtle. I still have it and when I feel strong enough, I’ll push the button and hold that stuffed turtle and listen to my favorite sound.
We went in at 21 weeks, excited for our ultrasound. Thrilled to see our baby boy Alexander on the screen. I laid down and the tech put the warm jelly on my tummy and pulled your little image up on the screen. The image was so incredibly blurry I couldn’t see much. I was just happy to see the blinking of your sweet little heart beat, there and strong. I could feel you wiggling in my tummy sometimes now so I was less worried because I knew you were in there squirming around but seeing your heart beat was still such a joy to me. After about a minute the tech seemed concerned and pointed out some things she saw that were not right. The rest of our appointment was rushed and scary. Our OB came in and told us something was really wrong with you and we needed to see a perinatologist immediately. Our doctor called the office herself so we would get a rushed appointment for that afternoon. The 3 hours between appointments dragged on it was the longest 3 hours of my life.
The time finally passed and we got there and a new ultrasound tech took more images but didn’t say much. After that our new doctor came in, she just looked sad. She started talking and pointing things out that she saw on you... Like your kidney that was no longer functional and the fact that we had absolutely no amniotic fluid which is what was making the image so hard to read. I remember asking her “Is my baby going to die?” she looked at me with a very sad apologetic face. I knew her answer before she spoke but still waited anxiously for her to prove me wrong but she didn’t. “If you’re asking me if I think your baby will be stillborn, my answer is no... If you’re asking me if I think your baby will survive long after birth, my answer is still no. I’m sorry.” I burst into tears, this could not be happening. She explained more things and told us she thought you were actually a girl. She told us we needed to do testing but since I had no fluid we would do a procedure that was very rare called an amnioinfusion. She would put fluid in the amniotic sac to act like amniotic fluid so we could get a better look at you and then do an amniocentesis where they take fluid out and do testing on it. We came back the next day for that.
The weeks went on and we got hope that you would live. That was such good news. We also found out you were for sure a girl. Daddy and I did everything in our power to keep you safe and inside me growing. We did everything we could to improve your chances of life. I got shots, we also went in and put a shunt in your tiny tummy to help drain of the fluid build up. We were on a roller coaster of bad news, then we would get okay news, then we would get hope and then it would crash down to horrible news again. We were on a incline of hope after we had your shunt placed, the fluid drained out and you looked to be doing better... We went in 5 days later and hit our crash on the roller coaster, you’d pulled out your shunt and all that fluid had built up worse than it was before. We had to go see another doctor the next day. We found out then you were in distress and would not make it much longer. We were faced with the impossible decision of having an immediate C Section and getting you out alive and hoping you were strong enough for surgery but knowing you most likely weren’t. Or leaving you in there and hoping you could make it in pregnancy long enough to be taken out by C Section and be strong enough for surgery but knowing that the distress you were in would only get worse and you would most likely die in utero within the next few days. We decided to have you then, to give you a chance and to meet you alive.
We went in that night for my C Section. I was so terrified but also so excited to meet you. I didn’t want to have to be meeting you that night but since it was happening I couldn’t help but have the tinge of excitement about seeing your little face. At 10:07 PM on Thursday, September 25th, 2014 the most beautiful baby girl Avery Faith Selin was born. When I looked at you my heart turned to mush. I was already so in love with you and would have done anything for you, I didn’t think I could love you more but seeing you pushed that even farther. It was the most astonishing feeling I’ve ever had. When the neonatologist came to us just minutes after you were born and after looking you over and said there was nothing he could do and you would die within minutes my heart sunk. I had him give you the pain medicine and hand you over to daddy and I. A nurse handed your small sweet body that was swaddled in your animal blanket over to your daddy. I will never forget his face from the first time he saw you. I could see the overwhelming love in his eyes, the overwhelming heartbreak and the helplessness of not being able to do anything for you. He kissed you and talked to you. The nurse undid the top of my hospital gown and set you on my chest for skin to skin cuddling. Your heart rate went up and you tried to breathe. You recognized our voices and liked the feeling of my warmth. I was so in love with you. I’ve never felt that amount of love in my entire life. I would have given my life for yours in that moment. I still would.
We were brought to the recovery room where your mamey, great grandparents and our doula all got to meet you and hold you. That time went so fast. I wanted to live in those moments forever. With you there, alive in our arms being loved and doted on. 86 minutes after you were born at 11:33 PM a nurse called time of death. You were gone just as fast as you were here. In a second you were ripped away from me, and part of me died with you. They handed me back your perfect, gorgeous little body that was still all swaddled up in your blanket. I kissed you. I wanted to scream and cry and trade my life for yours but nothing came out. I was silent. I could not scream, I could not cry and I could not give you a full life. The promise I made to protect you always was gone. I couldn’t protect you from your own body. I’m so sorry, my sweet angel, I’m so so sorry. I’m sorry if the amnio hurt you or the shunt. Most people take comfort in knowing that their baby who died before or soon after birth never felt pain, but I don’t know if that’s true or not.
I’m sorry that we couldn’t have spent a lifetime together. I couldn’t wait for the day you said your first word, or walked. Or your teenage years where you hated me. God, what I wouldn’t give to hear your 13 year old self scream that you hate me and slam a door in my face. I’m sorry that you only got 86 minutes when you should have gotten 86 or more years. I hope you know that I loved you every minute your heartbeat. From the moment I got two lines on the pregnancy test to the last breath you drew in. I hope you know I will love you with all of myself for every second the the rest of my life. That part of me died with you that day and I will never regain that part of me. That as long as I’m alive I swear to you, you will never be forgotten. I swear that you will be missed everyday of my life. I swear thatI will not let your death be in vain.
I’m donating my breast milk for you. I know you would want me to do that. I want to do that for you. I want you to know that you are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen in my life and I’m so glad I got to meet you. If time went backwards and I knew what I do now and how everything would turn out and they told me you were dying, I would do the same thing again. In a heartbeat, every time. Just so I got the chance to meet you and hold you and kiss you and tell you how much I love you.
Thank you Avery for coming and giving me the honor of being your mommy. Thank you for every kick and hiccup and thank you for fighting so hard. Thank you for every minute of your life. I’m so glad I got to see you and spend that time with you. You were the best 86 minutes I’ve ever had. Thank you for teaching me so much. Thank you for letting me love you and thank you for giving me the title forever of Avery’s mommy. I will hold that title near and dear to my heart always. That will always be my most important title.
Thank you my sweet angel girl. Just know, I’ll love you forever I’ll like you for always as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be. I will see you again someday my sunshine. Have fun in heaven and visit me in my dreams often. I cannot wait for the day I get to kiss you once again.
I love you,
Your mommy
