Not the Merriest Christmas

It feels impossible that its been 13 weeks tomorrow since my sweet baby was taken from me. Sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday and other times it feels like it was an eternity ago. My sweet innocent angel was taken from life before she even got a chance to live it.

 .... And today was my due date. If things had gone the way they were supposed to I would be either ready to pop or already have my sweet angel. I'd be a mommy to a sweet newborn little Avery but no. I'm here, no big belly and no baby.

I have good days and I have bad days but I never even have 5 minutes where she doesn't cross my mind. I would do anything to hold or kiss her one more time, but I can't. I will sit here and smile and celebrate Christmas with my family just like any year but deep down it will be a lot different. Not just for me and Ethan, for everyone. Everyone loved her and wanted her here, and even if they don't think about her daily or aren't heartbroken anymore (and even if they never were.) It will be different for them too.

 I want my baby. I want her in the tiny bib I bought way early on in my pregnancy that said "My First  Christmas" that I have now lovingly passed on to friends who have a baby who will wear it. I want to be eating spicy food and walking to try and make this baby come. I want to be up all night with her. I miss her so and no Christmas will ever be the same. No day will ever be the same. Nothing will ever be the same.

 As I try to "move on" in life and give back, I still think of her and want her everyday. I will think of her today as I open gifts, eat and spend time to the people I love most in this world and I will wonder what it would be like if things had gone the way the should have.

 Merry Christmas Avery Faith, mommy loves you forever.

Memory Boxes and my Tattoo

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before in a prior blog but when we lost Avery we were given a memory box. They're made and donated to the hospitals for families who've had a stillbirth or neonatal death. They're filled with things to do to make memories with your baby and some things to pamper mom and dad. It meant the world to Ethan and I and we still keep the box out in our room and look at it often. We've filled it with our own items to remember our sweet Avery by.

 Because it meant so much to me I've decided to make and donate as many boxes to the hospital as I can and I want to make them even nicer than the one I received. In this horrid times these families are going through any bit of kindness is such a blessing, so I'm really going to pamper these families. Each box I make will include these items....

• Tea
• Candy
• Blanket
• Stuffed Animal
• Envelope for lock of babies hair
• Ink Pad or Molding kit for hand and foot prints
• Johnson's and Johnson's Soap and Lotion
• Baby Washcloth
• Forget Me Not  flower seeds
• Candle
• Journal
• Pen
• Mini Kleenex
• Travel Sized Toiletries
• Disposable camera
• Mini Photo Album
• jewelry for mom
• memorial coin for dad
• paperwork on grief
• Book on losing a baby
• Ceramic trinket (such as butterfly, bird, angel, etc)
• Fuzzy Socks
• Little box for precious items
• List of foundations that can help them
• A letter from us
• ‘In Memory Of Avery’ Card
• Soaps
• Chapstick.

They're going to be beautiful and as I make them I am so proud. People I know who've heard that I'm making them have wanted to help so I made an Amazon wish list so people can donate if they want. They can buy any item they want off the list and it will ship directly to me to put in the boxes! I am so glad people are willing to do this because it means we can make even more boxes for these families in need in Avery's name! If you would like to donate, please do! The link the wishlist is http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/ref=nav_wish_list not only will it mean the world to me, it will mean even more to the mothers and fathers of these babies who are dying way too soon. 

I will continue to post updates and pictures as we build these gorgeous boxes and send them off to the hospitals!

Also, I got my tattoo for Avery a couple of weeks ago. It is just gorgeous, it's Avery's actual footprints and it their actual size, I just love it. I love that part of Avery is permanently on my body. I've never had a tattoo before and am SO glad I got this one! 

Thank you to everyone who has continued to keep our sweet Avery and us in your thoughts and prayers. I'm so honored that other people continue to think of and love Avery even though she's no longer on earth with us. I love knowing she will be remembered forever by not only my family and I but people around the world. What a gift my sweet girl has. 

Our Letters To Avery

These are the letters Ethan and I wrote and read to Avery at the memorial service.

Ethan's Letter: 

Dear Avery,

It’s been one month since we had to say good-bye and not a day goes by that I don’t think about you and wish you were still here with us. I remember hearing your heart beat for the first time and how excited I was. Everything started to feel so real in that moment. I was going to be a father. Weeks passed and I eagerly counted down the days between ultrasounds. Your mom and I would check her pregnancy app to see how big you were compared to various fruits. We’d started going to stores and registering for your baby shower. I couldn’t wait to meet you! Every kick I felt through your mommy’s tummy put a huge smile on my face. 

I found it very difficult to contain my excitement on the day of our 21 week appointment. We hadn’t seen how much you’d grown since 14 weeks! That excitement turned into horror when we were told that something was very wrong. No parent wants to hear that something is wrong with their baby and I never thought I would be given that kind of news. I wanted to know why this happened to us, to our baby. When the perinatologist told us that you wouldn’t live long after birth, my heart sank. All the plans and hopes I had for you were being ripped away and there was nothing I could do about it. The kicks that made me smile were now bittersweet as I knew there was only a short time before I wouldn’t feel those kicks anymore. 

Your mom and I tried everything we could do to help you. I know you didn’t like being stuck with that shunt; I can’t imagine that felt too comfortable. I wish you hadn’t pulled it out but I understand; I probably would have done the same thing. We wanted to meet you so badly and when they told us how much time they thought we had left, we knew exactly what we had to do. I am grateful for every minute we got to spend with you even though I wished we could have had many more. When the doctor placed you in my arms, all I could do was smile and look at you. You were perfect! I felt a love so strong in that moment that I find difficult to describe. I was so happy to see you and so sad because I knew there wasn’t much time. 

I handed you over to your mommy and knelt beside her as she held you. I never wanted that moment to end. She started to sing to you and I held your hand with my finger. I was so glad to have our little family together in that room. I wished there was something, anything, I could do to help you right then. I didn’t want you to leave us. I had so many things I wanted to teach you and show you. I wanted to be there for all the milestones like rolling over, crawling, walking, and talking. I wanted to know what your favorite color was or which Disney princess you liked the most. I wanted to go to your tea parties and let you paint my nails. I wanted all these things but unfortunately they are “wants” that don’t get to come true. 

It’s hard for me to not think about everything that didn’t get to happen but I am so thankful that I got to meet you and hold you close to me. I would not trade those 86 minutes for anything in the world. 

Your time with us was short, but you have changed me forever. I know that you are watching over us now and I hope I can make you proud to call me your dad. I love you so much Avery Faith and I always will. I promise I’ll take good care of mommy for you until we see you again one day.

All my love,

Daddy

My Letter: 

My sweet Avery, 

 I remember the day I first saw you on the ultrasound machine. You looked like a tiny little bean. I watched the flicker of your heart and couldn’t help but smile. My heart felt warm and I was so happy to see you. My whole self loved this tiny bean that was growing inside me and I knew I wouldn’t let anyone hurt you. I would protect you with my life, forever. 

Every single doctor appointment I had, I worried something would have happened to you but every time I was wrong and you were healthy and happy in there. The flicker of your heart never stopped. You grew and became less of a bean and more of a human. I saw your nose and your fingers and every time I fell more and more in love with you. The doctors assured me that I worried to much and you were perfectly happy and healthy. Every time I threw up with my horrible morning sickness, no matter how miserable my body felt. I smiled because that meant you were still there growing and that made my heart happy. 

 We went in at 14 weeks to find out your gender. Everyone was so sure you were a girl, including me. We chatted with the ultrasound techs and my mom, your Mamey kept making comments about how she just KNEW you were a girl. The tech quietly took pictures and pointed out things like your fingers and toes. She then told us “Okay, I know what you’re having!” I couldn’t wait to hear her say “Girl!” but she didn’t... She said “It’s a boy.” I was in shock. I was still so happy but in total shock. I think the only one in more shock than I was, was mamey. “A BOY!?” she asked in utter disbelief. The tech assured us you were indeed a boy. 

 As the days went on it sunk in that I was having a bouncing baby boy. I got excited and found all the cute boy stuff, I just had to buy for you. I was so excited for my baby shower and the day I’d get to meet you and hold you and kiss you for the very first time. The weeks went by and we would listen to your heart beat on the doppler I bought because I was so paranoid something would happen to you. Every time you had a strong heartbeat. That sound became my favorite sound in the entire world. I could have listened to it for hours on end. I still could. Back when we found out you were a boy we had your heartbeat recorded and put into a stuffed turtle. I still have it and when I feel strong enough, I’ll push the button and hold that stuffed turtle and listen to my favorite sound. 

 We went in at 21 weeks, excited for our ultrasound. Thrilled to see our baby boy Alexander on the screen. I laid down and the tech put the warm jelly on my tummy and pulled your little image up on the screen. The image was so incredibly blurry I couldn’t see much. I was just happy to see the blinking of your sweet little heart beat, there and strong. I could feel you wiggling in my tummy sometimes now so I was less worried because I knew you were in there squirming around but seeing your heart beat was still such a joy to me. After about a minute the tech seemed concerned and pointed out some things she saw that were not right. The rest of our appointment was rushed and scary. Our OB came in and told us something was really wrong with you and we needed to see a perinatologist immediately. Our doctor called the office herself so we would get a rushed appointment for that afternoon. The 3 hours between appointments dragged on it was the longest 3 hours of my life. 

The time finally passed and we got there and a new ultrasound tech took more images but didn’t say much. After that our new doctor came in, she just looked sad. She started talking and pointing things out that she saw on you... Like your kidney that was no longer functional and the fact that we had absolutely no amniotic fluid which is what was making the image so hard to read. I remember asking her “Is my baby going to die?” she looked at me with a very sad apologetic face. I knew her answer before she spoke but still waited anxiously for her to prove me wrong but she didn’t. “If you’re asking me if I think your baby will be stillborn, my answer is no... If you’re asking me if I think your baby will survive long after birth, my answer is still no. I’m sorry.” I burst into tears, this could not be happening. She explained more things and told us she thought you were actually a girl. She told us we needed to do testing but since I had no fluid we would do a procedure that was very rare called an amnioinfusion. She would put fluid in the amniotic sac to act like amniotic fluid so we could get a better look at you and then do an amniocentesis where they take fluid out and do testing on it. We came back the next day for that. 

 The weeks went on and we got hope that you would live. That was such good news. We also found out you were for sure a girl. Daddy and I did everything in our power to keep you safe and inside me growing. We did everything we could to improve your chances of life. I got shots, we also went in and put a shunt in your tiny tummy to help drain of the fluid build up. We were on a roller coaster of bad news, then we would get okay news, then we would get hope and then it would crash down to horrible news again. We were on a incline of hope after we had your shunt placed, the fluid drained out and you looked to be doing better... We went in 5 days later and hit our crash on the roller coaster, you’d pulled out your shunt and all that fluid had built up worse than it was before. We had to go see another doctor the next day. We found out then you were in distress and would not make it much longer. We were faced with the impossible decision of having an immediate C Section and getting you out alive and hoping you were strong enough for surgery but knowing you most likely weren’t. Or leaving you in there and hoping you could make it in pregnancy long enough to be taken out by C Section and be strong enough for surgery but knowing that the distress you were in would only get worse and you would most likely die in utero within the next few days. We decided to have you then, to give you a chance and to meet you alive. 

 We went in that night for my C Section. I was so terrified but also so excited to meet you. I didn’t want to have to be meeting you that night but since it was happening I couldn’t help but have the tinge of excitement about seeing your little face. At 10:07 PM on Thursday, September 25th, 2014 the most beautiful baby girl Avery Faith Selin was born. When I looked at you my heart turned to mush. I was already so in love with you and would have done anything for you, I didn’t think I could love you more but seeing you pushed that even farther. It was the most astonishing feeling I’ve ever had. When the neonatologist came to us just minutes after you were born and after looking you over and said there was nothing he could do and you would die within minutes my heart sunk. I had him give you the pain medicine and hand you over to daddy and I. A nurse handed your small sweet body that was swaddled in your animal blanket over to your daddy. I will never forget his face from the first time he saw you. I could see the overwhelming love in his eyes, the overwhelming heartbreak and the helplessness of not being able to do anything for you. He kissed you and talked to you. The nurse undid the top of my hospital gown and set you on my chest for skin to skin cuddling. Your heart rate went up and you tried to breathe. You recognized our voices and liked the feeling of my warmth. I was so in love with you. I’ve never felt that amount of love in my entire life. I would have given my life for yours in that moment. I still would.

 We were brought to the recovery room where your mamey, great grandparents and our doula all got to meet you and hold you. That time went so fast. I wanted to live in those moments forever. With you there, alive in our arms being loved and doted on. 86 minutes after you were born at 11:33 PM a nurse called time of death. You were gone just as fast as you were here. In a second you were ripped away from me, and part of me died with you. They handed me back your perfect, gorgeous little body that was still all swaddled up in your blanket. I kissed you. I wanted to scream and cry and trade my life for yours but nothing came out. I was silent. I could not scream, I could not cry and I could not give you a full life. The promise I made to protect you always was gone. I couldn’t protect you from your own body. I’m so sorry, my sweet angel, I’m so so sorry. I’m sorry if the amnio hurt you or the shunt. Most people take comfort in knowing that their baby who died before or soon after birth never felt pain, but I don’t know if that’s true or not. 

I’m sorry that we couldn’t have spent a lifetime together. I couldn’t wait for the day you said your first word, or walked. Or your teenage years where you hated me. God, what I wouldn’t give to hear your 13 year old self scream that you hate me and slam a door in my face. I’m sorry that you only got 86 minutes when you should have gotten 86 or more years. I hope you know that I loved you every minute your heartbeat. From the moment I got two lines on the pregnancy test to the last breath you drew in. I hope you know I will love you with all of myself for every second the the rest of my life. That part of me died with you that day and I will never regain that part of me. That as long as I’m alive I swear to you, you will never be forgotten. I swear that you will be missed everyday of my life. I swear thatI will not let your death be in vain. 

 I’m donating my breast milk for you. I know you would want me to do that. I want to do that for you. I want you to know that you are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen in my life and I’m so glad I got to meet you. If time went backwards and I knew what I do now and how everything would turn out and they told me you were dying, I would do the same thing again. In a heartbeat, every time. Just so I got the chance to meet you and hold you and kiss you and tell you how much I love you. 

Thank you Avery for coming and giving me the honor of being your mommy. Thank you for every kick and hiccup and thank you for fighting so hard. Thank you for every minute of your life. I’m so glad I got to see you and spend that time with you. You were the best 86 minutes I’ve ever had. Thank you for teaching me so much. Thank you for letting me love you and thank you for giving me the title forever of Avery’s mommy. I will hold that title near and dear to my heart always. That will always be my most important title. 

 Thank you my sweet angel girl. Just know, I’ll love you forever I’ll like you for always as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be. I will see you again someday my sunshine. Have fun in heaven and visit me in my dreams often. I cannot wait for the day I get to kiss you  once again. 

 I love you, 

 Your mommy

Memorial Service

Avery's memorial service just passed, this last Saturday. We had a gorgeous service that went pretty much exactly as planned. We only had two tiny bumps happen but in hindsight they didn't matter too much and won't effect my memory of her service.

 One of my best friends drove down just for the day for her service from California to help set up and be there for her service. That meant so so much to me. I just adore her and the fact that she found a babysitter and got off work to come on that long drive just for me for one day was incredible. I am so blessed to have such amazing friends.

 We had a balloon release and released 86 biodegradable balloons in memory of my sweet girl. One for every minute that she was alive. We had little balloon tags that I ordered and they were just perfect and gorgeous.

 I got a lot of closure at her service, I felt good that day even though I thought it would make me miserable. I had a really really sad day the day after her service though. I have okay days and horrible days but her service was actually pretty good.

Ethan and I each wrote Avery a letter and read them at her service. It went really well and I think it showed everyone our point of view on losing our sweet girl. I'm going to make a post in the next couple days with Ethan and my letters that we read at her service. I will also make another post in the next week or so with the video of Avery's memorial service if you would like to watch that.

 My grandfather ran the service, he did a gorgeous job and I think he touched everyone's heart with his sermon. I know he definitely touched mine.

A good friend of us sang our two songs. One of them was 'Ronan' by Taylor Swift. She helped us alter the words to fit our situations more. It was gorgeous and then she sang 'You Are My Sunshine' which is the song I sang to Avery during my pregnancy and when she was alive. That was stunning and brought me to tears.

 Thank you to everyone who came to Avery's service, it meant the world to me that you could be there and if you couldn't come but sent us some sort of note or message around or on that day, thank you so much. That was so incredible for you as well...

After the service and balloon release we went into a room and had a nice meal and all sat and talked. We had great conversations, great food, and some of the most important people in our lives were there. It was truly gorgeous and such a beautiful way to honor our baby girl's life. I was so glad we had this service to honor her.

 Here are some photo's of her service, after that I will post a small update:

Update: Yes, my pumping and donating my breast milk is going amazingly! I pump every three hours for sweet baby Caleb and he and his daddy come over once a week to pick up our frozen milk and that is what he eats for every meal. Ethan and I have become friends with little Caleb's daddies and we just love baby Caleb. He has a very special place in our hearts. I love that we get to see him and snuggle him and love on him.

 Also the AMAZING company called Molly Bears which makes weighted bears for parents who've lost a baby. They have a 9 month waiting list to get your bear since they're all handmade to order for the families. We made our order and a week or so later I emailed the company asking if we could include a baggie with a small portion of Avery's ashes in her bear. The president of the company wrote back herself and said she would personally do our bear and add her ashes in. And THEN after hearing our story she bumped our bear and made her for us early so she got her for the service. She is the most beautiful bear, and probably one of my most prized possessions now. We are so blessed by people. I was completely blown away by her kindness!

I had my incision check recently and my doctor said my incision from my C Section is looking good. I have a post partum appointment coming up soon as well. Then I will get my MRI to see if the shunt that was in Avery and was misplaced is still in my body. Please pray that it isn't so I don't need to have another surgery/procedure to get it out.

 Thank you everyone for your continued love and support in our lives. It means more to us then you'll ever know! <3

This is me with baby Caleb. The baby I'm donating my milk to

Even though I'm smiling...

As you know, we experienced the death of our sweet baby girl, Avery only 20 short days ago. This is an extremely difficult situation because no one ever expects a child to die and even after we were told it could happen still had hope and believed our baby would pull through. After the initial loss, most people do not know how to interact with the grieving parents, which is understandable. Ethan and I attended a bereavement support group. I've been going to this group since my miscarriage about two years ago but Ethan just started attending. At group before they've suggested writing a letter and providing people with tips, which may make the situation easier for them and for us. So instead of a letter, I thought I'd write out a blog post. I'm kind of coping the template of the letter they gave out at the support group and another letter that was written by a friend of mine who also attends group. I'll be adding things of my own in this though.

It has been almost 3 weeks since Avery died. Some people may think we are recovering well or will be over it soon. However, there is no time limit on this journey of grief but their are some tips on things you can do to help us or if you don't personally know us but read my blog maybe you'll be able to use this with someone in your life you know who has lost a baby. I've noticed most moms and dads who've lost a baby whether at 10 weeks along in their pregnancy or had a baby that was 10 months old have similar feelings and need similar things. 

 First, if you don't already know, here is a little information about our daughter. We named her Avery Faith. We used the middle name Faith because we knew we were going to need a lot of Faith throughout my pregnancy with all of our complications. We knew we would need Faith if our daughter was born and lived and needed surgeries and we sure as hell knew we'd need Faith if she was born and died. She was born on Thursday, September 25th, at 10:07 pm by C Section. She was in danger of distress and we were told that she would not make it another week if we didn't deliver her ASAP.

 We did choose to have a memorial service for our precious and gorgeous daughter. It is coming up in 10 days. Coincidentally, it falls on the exact day we were going to have our baby shower and exactly one month to the day after she was born and died. We decided to cremate her in case we ever moved from Arizona where we currently live so we wouldn't be leaving behind her headstone and resting place. We also chose this so we could have her with us, always. 

 We would like to thank EACH ONE OF YOU who has given a hug, said a prayer for us, sent flowers or a card, delivered a meal, and supported us in anyway through this tragic time. It honestly means so so much to us and really does help in our time of need. Thank you for taking the time to read this and for your continued love and support. Thank you for reading any of my posts. I'm not the best writer but it is incredibly therapeutic for me and I think it also helps people understand where I'm coming from and what I'm feeling. 

TIPS:

• Saying "I'm sorry for your loss" at any time after a baby has died is never inappropriate or too late. In fact we appreciate it and are grateful that you all remember, because we NEVER forget
• Understanding that the amount of time a child lives does not determine its value or the impact that the child has made on the parents' lives. To ignore what has happened in hopes the the grief will pass, is to diminish the worth of a child that was loved even before its birth. (We had plans and dreams for this child. We prayed for Avery's health everyday as soon as we found out I was pregnant and even more so after we found out things were wrong. She is OUR daughter. Some people think, and have said, how it would be harder if we actually had KNOWN her. Well we did KNOW her. She is our daughter. We only got 86 minutes with her alive but we still KNEW her. Sometimes it hurts more that we didn't know if she would like the color pink or the movie Frozen. What her favorite food or music would be or what her sweet voice would sound like. It isn't easier because we didn't "know" her.)
• If you are uncomfortable about discussing the death of our baby with us because you think we won't want to talk about it, don't shy away. Also don't be afraid to bring it up because you think you're reminding us of the pain. We never forget, she is never not on our minds. Simply say something like, "I just want you to know that I'm here to listen if you need to talk." If we don't want to talk at that time don't assume that we never want to talk. Check back in or take the initiative to get together for lunch or something else. It may be difficult for you hear some of the details of her death, but it is worse for us to experience it and have to keep it to ourselves. (I would also like to add that you don't need to say anything like this if YOU don't want to talk about it. Ask only if you are sincere and are really ready to listen and care. Don't ask our of mere curiosity - ask because you truly care and want to listen. I, myself love talking about Avery and am an open book about what happened. It just hurts when people aren't sincere and just want to know because they're curious.) We may not know what to say to you sometimes, so don't be afraid to ask us questions about Avery's pregnancy, birth or death. Sometimes that makes it easier for us to talk to you when we know what to say. 
• Realize that Avery is still the product of our love and the joy of our lives. There is joy and pain. The joy didn't end when Avery died and our pain won't end as soon has the service is over and the cards are sent. Accept both. We need to feel the pain (we want to feel the pain), hard as it is when I'm sad and crying, but it is OK and healthy to mourn Avery. I'm allowed to be mad because this sucks and things like this aren't supposed to happen.)
• Our daughter has a name, use it. Try to remember the parents with a note or phone call on the first Mothers and Fathers Day, as well as the baby's predicted Due date and the anniversary of the child's birth and death. (I am already dreading Christmas because of my Christmas Eve due date. I'll just be honest with you about that. Currently, my  heart still breaks every Wednesday when I would have added another week on to my pregnancy. I would have been 30 weeks along today. Or every Thursday as I re-live all the events of the Thursday she was born, all day, from my doctor appointment at noon, to getting my Spinal before my C Section at 9:30 pm, to the time she was born at 10:07 pm, to the time they called time of death at 11:33 pm. It is still hard and it will continue to be hard for a very long time. I still think about it and you talking about it with me won't bring up more of these feelings because they are already there. It is nice when anyone remembers.)
• Please make an effort to not underestimate the DEPTH of the pain, the strength of the grief, and most importantly, the difference your support and involvement can make during this painful adjustment. There may not be any other time when you're needed in our lives more than now. If you distance yourself until you think a reasonable amount of time has passed, because you're uncomfortable, you may find a different kind of distance and hurt between yourself and the grieving parents. We will never be the same people ever again, Avery changed us and the death of Avery changed us. We're adjusting to our new normal in our lives and if you leave because you think it'll be better for us, when you come back we probably won't be the same people you remember. If you share in the experience everyone will come our stronger. Many of you have already done so much and we are thankful from the bottom of our hearts for your love, support, and kindness. 

These are the the tips listed in the letter we got from our support group. I thought they were helpful and could maybe help some of you understand a little bit more of what we are feeling. 

 We miss our daughter every second of every day. Some days are much harder than others. We survive moment by moment. We can and do smile and we can see the blessing in our lives. We are still functional people but that doesn't mean we aren't hurting or struggling still. This is normal and OK! Please don't say anything to make us feel badly or not normal for feeling this way. We try to smile when we walk by you, but just because we smile doesn't mean there isn't pain behind it all. If I'm not crying that doesn't mean I'm not heartbroken. I don't like it when people say to me "You seem to be doing so well!" because I'm not doing well. I couldn't possibly be doing well, my child died. I'm numb and broken and going through the motions of my day and doing what needs to be done. I enjoy seeing my friends and family still and not just laying around in bed all day sobbing but that doesn't mean I'm not hurting. Somedays I do just want to lay in bed and sob and not talk to anyone but that can't be my everyday. If you see us and we're smiling or not talking about Avery don't assume we aren't sad or that we're over it or "doing well" because this isn't the case. 

 Thanks for loving us and reading this. If you have any thoughts or questions please don't hesitate to ask us. If you lost a loved one or a child and you would like to add any tips PLEASE DO and please feel free to write your own letter and use my post as a template and share it with your friends and family so they can help you!

 I do know we will be with our daughter again someday but that doesn't mean I like hearing that this was all in "Gods Will" because I personally don't think babies and children dying are in Gods will. I think he knows it will happen and allows to to happen but I don't think he makes it happen. I know the Lord has watched over us through all of this and there have been MANY miracles and blessing. I am thankful for them all. I'm thankful for every second I got with my beautiful daughter. But it doesn't mean I don't miss my baby girl and I know that's okay. I'm thankful that Ethan and I are in love and stronger throughout all this. I'm thankful that death isn't the end and that I will hold my baby again and be able to kiss her. I cannot wait to kiss my Avery again someday. I'm eternally grateful that she joined our family and it is precious to me to know that we have our own little guardian angel watching over us. She is forever in our hearts and is forever part of our family and lives. We never want to hide her or forget her presence.

The Loves of my Life

 Today is my amazing Ethan's birthday. I am so incredibly lucky to have him in my life. I learn that more and more everyday and I fall more in love with him everyday as well. No matter what happens he's always there for me and loves me through it. When I'm having a horrible time and sobbing and can barley stand living without our baby he's there to hold me and kiss my head and help me. Even though I know he's grieving and feeling just what I am too, he's there whenever I need him. He's been working so so hard lately and today he had the day off and I've been determined to make his 22nd birthday a good one.

Watching the love of my life hold the other love of my life; our baby for the first time, melted my heart. It made me fall so much more in love with him. I will never forget the facial expression he had while he held her. It was pure love but also so much sadness. We'd just been told she wouldn't live and they couldn't help her. He was looking at her and I've never seen anyone look more in love in their life but his eyes were welled up with tears of sadness, heartbreak, and helplessness. He pulled her up closer to him and kissed her little face "I love you, Avery" he said. He brought her over to me and said "Olivia, this is our baby. Look at her!" I was in shock and was just as in love as he was. Our little family was all together, holding each other in the operating room. The nurse asked if I wanted to do skin to skin and I did. She undid the whole top of my hospital gown and laid my baby girl on my breast. She started squirming and breathing and her heart rate went up. I sang "You are My Sunshine" to her and she squeezed Ethan's finger. He had his other arm rubbing my hair. We were together and I knew I could never love another man more than him and that I loved our little family more than anything.

 The feeling I got when they set my little baby girl on my chest was the most overpowering love I've ever felt. It was the happiest I've ever been but also the most heartbroken I've ever been too. All at the same time.

 I learn more everyday how lucky I am to have been blessed with these two in my life. Avery has taught me so much about life. I'm really having a shitty time dealing with her death but I'm so grateful for all the time I got with her. No matter how short. I love her so much. I'm so lucky to have Ethan by my side for our whole grieving process and my whole life.

 Happy Birthday Ethan, thank you for everything you do for me. I don't tell you enough how grateful I am to have you. Our baby girl was so lucky too, to have a daddy as amazing and loving as you are. I love you and Avery more than life its self and would do anything for you two.

Here is Avery's Birthday Card to her Daddy...