Memorial Service

Avery's memorial service just passed, this last Saturday. We had a gorgeous service that went pretty much exactly as planned. We only had two tiny bumps happen but in hindsight they didn't matter too much and won't effect my memory of her service.

 One of my best friends drove down just for the day for her service from California to help set up and be there for her service. That meant so so much to me. I just adore her and the fact that she found a babysitter and got off work to come on that long drive just for me for one day was incredible. I am so blessed to have such amazing friends.

 We had a balloon release and released 86 biodegradable balloons in memory of my sweet girl. One for every minute that she was alive. We had little balloon tags that I ordered and they were just perfect and gorgeous.

 I got a lot of closure at her service, I felt good that day even though I thought it would make me miserable. I had a really really sad day the day after her service though. I have okay days and horrible days but her service was actually pretty good.

Ethan and I each wrote Avery a letter and read them at her service. It went really well and I think it showed everyone our point of view on losing our sweet girl. I'm going to make a post in the next couple days with Ethan and my letters that we read at her service. I will also make another post in the next week or so with the video of Avery's memorial service if you would like to watch that.

 My grandfather ran the service, he did a gorgeous job and I think he touched everyone's heart with his sermon. I know he definitely touched mine.

A good friend of us sang our two songs. One of them was 'Ronan' by Taylor Swift. She helped us alter the words to fit our situations more. It was gorgeous and then she sang 'You Are My Sunshine' which is the song I sang to Avery during my pregnancy and when she was alive. That was stunning and brought me to tears.

 Thank you to everyone who came to Avery's service, it meant the world to me that you could be there and if you couldn't come but sent us some sort of note or message around or on that day, thank you so much. That was so incredible for you as well...

After the service and balloon release we went into a room and had a nice meal and all sat and talked. We had great conversations, great food, and some of the most important people in our lives were there. It was truly gorgeous and such a beautiful way to honor our baby girl's life. I was so glad we had this service to honor her.

 Here are some photo's of her service, after that I will post a small update:

Update: Yes, my pumping and donating my breast milk is going amazingly! I pump every three hours for sweet baby Caleb and he and his daddy come over once a week to pick up our frozen milk and that is what he eats for every meal. Ethan and I have become friends with little Caleb's daddies and we just love baby Caleb. He has a very special place in our hearts. I love that we get to see him and snuggle him and love on him.

 Also the AMAZING company called Molly Bears which makes weighted bears for parents who've lost a baby. They have a 9 month waiting list to get your bear since they're all handmade to order for the families. We made our order and a week or so later I emailed the company asking if we could include a baggie with a small portion of Avery's ashes in her bear. The president of the company wrote back herself and said she would personally do our bear and add her ashes in. And THEN after hearing our story she bumped our bear and made her for us early so she got her for the service. She is the most beautiful bear, and probably one of my most prized possessions now. We are so blessed by people. I was completely blown away by her kindness!

I had my incision check recently and my doctor said my incision from my C Section is looking good. I have a post partum appointment coming up soon as well. Then I will get my MRI to see if the shunt that was in Avery and was misplaced is still in my body. Please pray that it isn't so I don't need to have another surgery/procedure to get it out.

 Thank you everyone for your continued love and support in our lives. It means more to us then you'll ever know! <3

This is me with baby Caleb. The baby I'm donating my milk to

Even though I'm smiling...

As you know, we experienced the death of our sweet baby girl, Avery only 20 short days ago. This is an extremely difficult situation because no one ever expects a child to die and even after we were told it could happen still had hope and believed our baby would pull through. After the initial loss, most people do not know how to interact with the grieving parents, which is understandable. Ethan and I attended a bereavement support group. I've been going to this group since my miscarriage about two years ago but Ethan just started attending. At group before they've suggested writing a letter and providing people with tips, which may make the situation easier for them and for us. So instead of a letter, I thought I'd write out a blog post. I'm kind of coping the template of the letter they gave out at the support group and another letter that was written by a friend of mine who also attends group. I'll be adding things of my own in this though.

It has been almost 3 weeks since Avery died. Some people may think we are recovering well or will be over it soon. However, there is no time limit on this journey of grief but their are some tips on things you can do to help us or if you don't personally know us but read my blog maybe you'll be able to use this with someone in your life you know who has lost a baby. I've noticed most moms and dads who've lost a baby whether at 10 weeks along in their pregnancy or had a baby that was 10 months old have similar feelings and need similar things. 

 First, if you don't already know, here is a little information about our daughter. We named her Avery Faith. We used the middle name Faith because we knew we were going to need a lot of Faith throughout my pregnancy with all of our complications. We knew we would need Faith if our daughter was born and lived and needed surgeries and we sure as hell knew we'd need Faith if she was born and died. She was born on Thursday, September 25th, at 10:07 pm by C Section. She was in danger of distress and we were told that she would not make it another week if we didn't deliver her ASAP.

 We did choose to have a memorial service for our precious and gorgeous daughter. It is coming up in 10 days. Coincidentally, it falls on the exact day we were going to have our baby shower and exactly one month to the day after she was born and died. We decided to cremate her in case we ever moved from Arizona where we currently live so we wouldn't be leaving behind her headstone and resting place. We also chose this so we could have her with us, always. 

 We would like to thank EACH ONE OF YOU who has given a hug, said a prayer for us, sent flowers or a card, delivered a meal, and supported us in anyway through this tragic time. It honestly means so so much to us and really does help in our time of need. Thank you for taking the time to read this and for your continued love and support. Thank you for reading any of my posts. I'm not the best writer but it is incredibly therapeutic for me and I think it also helps people understand where I'm coming from and what I'm feeling. 

TIPS:

• Saying "I'm sorry for your loss" at any time after a baby has died is never inappropriate or too late. In fact we appreciate it and are grateful that you all remember, because we NEVER forget
• Understanding that the amount of time a child lives does not determine its value or the impact that the child has made on the parents' lives. To ignore what has happened in hopes the the grief will pass, is to diminish the worth of a child that was loved even before its birth. (We had plans and dreams for this child. We prayed for Avery's health everyday as soon as we found out I was pregnant and even more so after we found out things were wrong. She is OUR daughter. Some people think, and have said, how it would be harder if we actually had KNOWN her. Well we did KNOW her. She is our daughter. We only got 86 minutes with her alive but we still KNEW her. Sometimes it hurts more that we didn't know if she would like the color pink or the movie Frozen. What her favorite food or music would be or what her sweet voice would sound like. It isn't easier because we didn't "know" her.)
• If you are uncomfortable about discussing the death of our baby with us because you think we won't want to talk about it, don't shy away. Also don't be afraid to bring it up because you think you're reminding us of the pain. We never forget, she is never not on our minds. Simply say something like, "I just want you to know that I'm here to listen if you need to talk." If we don't want to talk at that time don't assume that we never want to talk. Check back in or take the initiative to get together for lunch or something else. It may be difficult for you hear some of the details of her death, but it is worse for us to experience it and have to keep it to ourselves. (I would also like to add that you don't need to say anything like this if YOU don't want to talk about it. Ask only if you are sincere and are really ready to listen and care. Don't ask our of mere curiosity - ask because you truly care and want to listen. I, myself love talking about Avery and am an open book about what happened. It just hurts when people aren't sincere and just want to know because they're curious.) We may not know what to say to you sometimes, so don't be afraid to ask us questions about Avery's pregnancy, birth or death. Sometimes that makes it easier for us to talk to you when we know what to say. 
• Realize that Avery is still the product of our love and the joy of our lives. There is joy and pain. The joy didn't end when Avery died and our pain won't end as soon has the service is over and the cards are sent. Accept both. We need to feel the pain (we want to feel the pain), hard as it is when I'm sad and crying, but it is OK and healthy to mourn Avery. I'm allowed to be mad because this sucks and things like this aren't supposed to happen.)
• Our daughter has a name, use it. Try to remember the parents with a note or phone call on the first Mothers and Fathers Day, as well as the baby's predicted Due date and the anniversary of the child's birth and death. (I am already dreading Christmas because of my Christmas Eve due date. I'll just be honest with you about that. Currently, my  heart still breaks every Wednesday when I would have added another week on to my pregnancy. I would have been 30 weeks along today. Or every Thursday as I re-live all the events of the Thursday she was born, all day, from my doctor appointment at noon, to getting my Spinal before my C Section at 9:30 pm, to the time she was born at 10:07 pm, to the time they called time of death at 11:33 pm. It is still hard and it will continue to be hard for a very long time. I still think about it and you talking about it with me won't bring up more of these feelings because they are already there. It is nice when anyone remembers.)
• Please make an effort to not underestimate the DEPTH of the pain, the strength of the grief, and most importantly, the difference your support and involvement can make during this painful adjustment. There may not be any other time when you're needed in our lives more than now. If you distance yourself until you think a reasonable amount of time has passed, because you're uncomfortable, you may find a different kind of distance and hurt between yourself and the grieving parents. We will never be the same people ever again, Avery changed us and the death of Avery changed us. We're adjusting to our new normal in our lives and if you leave because you think it'll be better for us, when you come back we probably won't be the same people you remember. If you share in the experience everyone will come our stronger. Many of you have already done so much and we are thankful from the bottom of our hearts for your love, support, and kindness. 

These are the the tips listed in the letter we got from our support group. I thought they were helpful and could maybe help some of you understand a little bit more of what we are feeling. 

 We miss our daughter every second of every day. Some days are much harder than others. We survive moment by moment. We can and do smile and we can see the blessing in our lives. We are still functional people but that doesn't mean we aren't hurting or struggling still. This is normal and OK! Please don't say anything to make us feel badly or not normal for feeling this way. We try to smile when we walk by you, but just because we smile doesn't mean there isn't pain behind it all. If I'm not crying that doesn't mean I'm not heartbroken. I don't like it when people say to me "You seem to be doing so well!" because I'm not doing well. I couldn't possibly be doing well, my child died. I'm numb and broken and going through the motions of my day and doing what needs to be done. I enjoy seeing my friends and family still and not just laying around in bed all day sobbing but that doesn't mean I'm not hurting. Somedays I do just want to lay in bed and sob and not talk to anyone but that can't be my everyday. If you see us and we're smiling or not talking about Avery don't assume we aren't sad or that we're over it or "doing well" because this isn't the case. 

 Thanks for loving us and reading this. If you have any thoughts or questions please don't hesitate to ask us. If you lost a loved one or a child and you would like to add any tips PLEASE DO and please feel free to write your own letter and use my post as a template and share it with your friends and family so they can help you!

 I do know we will be with our daughter again someday but that doesn't mean I like hearing that this was all in "Gods Will" because I personally don't think babies and children dying are in Gods will. I think he knows it will happen and allows to to happen but I don't think he makes it happen. I know the Lord has watched over us through all of this and there have been MANY miracles and blessing. I am thankful for them all. I'm thankful for every second I got with my beautiful daughter. But it doesn't mean I don't miss my baby girl and I know that's okay. I'm thankful that Ethan and I are in love and stronger throughout all this. I'm thankful that death isn't the end and that I will hold my baby again and be able to kiss her. I cannot wait to kiss my Avery again someday. I'm eternally grateful that she joined our family and it is precious to me to know that we have our own little guardian angel watching over us. She is forever in our hearts and is forever part of our family and lives. We never want to hide her or forget her presence.

The Loves of my Life

 Today is my amazing Ethan's birthday. I am so incredibly lucky to have him in my life. I learn that more and more everyday and I fall more in love with him everyday as well. No matter what happens he's always there for me and loves me through it. When I'm having a horrible time and sobbing and can barley stand living without our baby he's there to hold me and kiss my head and help me. Even though I know he's grieving and feeling just what I am too, he's there whenever I need him. He's been working so so hard lately and today he had the day off and I've been determined to make his 22nd birthday a good one.

Watching the love of my life hold the other love of my life; our baby for the first time, melted my heart. It made me fall so much more in love with him. I will never forget the facial expression he had while he held her. It was pure love but also so much sadness. We'd just been told she wouldn't live and they couldn't help her. He was looking at her and I've never seen anyone look more in love in their life but his eyes were welled up with tears of sadness, heartbreak, and helplessness. He pulled her up closer to him and kissed her little face "I love you, Avery" he said. He brought her over to me and said "Olivia, this is our baby. Look at her!" I was in shock and was just as in love as he was. Our little family was all together, holding each other in the operating room. The nurse asked if I wanted to do skin to skin and I did. She undid the whole top of my hospital gown and laid my baby girl on my breast. She started squirming and breathing and her heart rate went up. I sang "You are My Sunshine" to her and she squeezed Ethan's finger. He had his other arm rubbing my hair. We were together and I knew I could never love another man more than him and that I loved our little family more than anything.

 The feeling I got when they set my little baby girl on my chest was the most overpowering love I've ever felt. It was the happiest I've ever been but also the most heartbroken I've ever been too. All at the same time.

 I learn more everyday how lucky I am to have been blessed with these two in my life. Avery has taught me so much about life. I'm really having a shitty time dealing with her death but I'm so grateful for all the time I got with her. No matter how short. I love her so much. I'm so lucky to have Ethan by my side for our whole grieving process and my whole life.

 Happy Birthday Ethan, thank you for everything you do for me. I don't tell you enough how grateful I am to have you. Our baby girl was so lucky too, to have a daddy as amazing and loving as you are. I love you and Avery more than life its self and would do anything for you two.

Here is Avery's Birthday Card to her Daddy...