We always hear the term "I wouldn't wish this on anyone else" or "I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy" and now that this is happening to me that is extremely true. I wouldn't want anyone to go through this. Since I have to go through this I wouldn't want anyone else too.
I'm going to be honest here though, I still have very human feelings. This may make me sound like a horrible person but if I could wish this off my child and onto someone else, I would. I wouldn't let this happen to me and my baby. I would willingly give it over to someone else, and yes I would feel guilty but I don't think that guilt could compare to the sadness I feel over the upcoming death of my daughter. Since I have to go through it and can't change that I wouldn't wish it on anyone but if I could push it on to someone else, I would. Sometimes I see women with a ton of healthy kids and think "Why couldn't this be you? You have so many healthy perfect kids..." After a lot of these thoughts I start to feel like a horrible person but I think anyone would feel that way deep down. Or maybe not and I actually am a horrible person but I swore to be honest on this blog and to get out all of my honest feelings even the mean, scary, complicated ones.
Another complicated feeling is watching my sweet boyfriend touch my stomach and feel our daughter move and watch his face. We smile because she is moving and we love her but behind every smile are a hundred tears to go with it. Even if we aren't outright crying, we are on the inside.
Avery loves Ethan's voice, anytime he talks she will kick, more so than for me or anyone else. She loves him. I love that she loves him and moves happily when she hears his voice but it breaks my heart at the same time that they won't have that father daughter bond much longer. He shouldn't only have two wishes for her lifetime, he should have hundreds. He told me the other day that all he wants is for her to see his face before she dies and to hold his finger. Of course he wants to kiss her and hold her and everything else but his biggest wish for her lifetime shouldn't be her holding his finger.
I mentioned in my last post that I make lists of everything in my head now. I have lists of complicated feelings too or things that trigger complicated feelings, such as....
- Looking at or buying a cute outfit to dress her in
- Feeling her kick
- Knowing that her brain and heart among other things in her tiny body are perfect
- Looking at her ultrasounds
- Showing other people her heartbeat on our doppler or letting them feel her kick
- Choosing who we will welcome to the hospital to hold her.
- Having people tell me that they love my blog
- My ever-growing tummy
That's just a few of my very long, never ending list of complicated feelings.
I'm feeling very numb lately. I'm still sad, dont get me wrong but I feel less inclined to cry than I have been. I still cry and am heartbroken but it's just so hard and its hard not to feel this empty numb feeling towards everything and everyone.
I love her so much, I just want to know why this is happening... Why her? Why me? Why anyone?
Just curious, why did you say Ethans wish shouldn't be her holding his finger? Idk if I'm misinterpreting that or not. Just got a little confused.
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