My Current Thoughts

 I have an overwhelming amount of thoughts about my child's future every minute of everyday. I go through lists in my head constantly. Sometimes I forget that anything is wrong and she kicks me and I get really excited and happy until I remember and it makes it worse. I adore her kicks still, but forgetting and then having to remember my child's upcoming fate is heart wrenching.

 I thought I'd write out some of the lists that I have going through my head at all times. 

List of the horrible and unfair things:

• My child is dying
• I cannot save her
• All my family is grieving 
• The thought of holding her little body at the crematorium and having to hand her over to them forever, knowing I'll never hold her again. 
• Having to pick out my child's urn before I've ever met her. 
• Forgetting that she's going to die and having to remember
• Watching Ethan cry
• Crying everyday
• The nightmares I have
• The nightmares Ethan has
• Faking smiles
• The stupid things people say
• Fear
• Death
• Not knowing what's going to happen next
• That other peoples lives can go on happily when the most important person in my life is dying and it feels like the world should be ending but it's not.
• Knowing I only have a few months to spend with my baby
• Preparing for everything I want her to have in the hour(s) I will have with her alive
• Life
• Seeing healthy babies and pregnant women
• Having to chose which family and friends I want to be able to meet my daughter. 

A list of some things I'm grateful for:

• Her kicks
• My doppler so I can hear her heartbeat whenever I want
• My family
• Ethan's family
• Ethan
• My baby
• The months I've had with her thus far
• The next few months
• Knowing that I'll get to hold her
• Knowing that she will see my face before she dies 
• My friends
• Everyone who has reached out in anyway

We've decided to name her Avery Faith. We will need a lot of faith in this time so I find it fitting. 

I'm typically a pretty happy person and someone who finds the good in people and situations but I'm having a ton of trouble doing that now. I find myself hating life and having horrible thoughts. This is so unfair. I would give anything to trade places with my sweet baby and for her to be given a long healthy life and me to die but I can't do that. There is literally nothing I can do to save my child. I keep being told to hope for a miracle, and I do... Trust me, I do. The doctors tell me though that the only miracle I could get is being blessed with more than 2 hours with my child alive. My miracle would be having 5 hours with a living child rather than one. That is not fair, none of this is okay in anyway. 

 No one's whole purpose in life should be to be born to die an hour later. What kind of life is that? What kind of life can I give my daughter in an hour? 

I'm sorry that this blog post is all jumbled and probably makes little to no sense. That's how my mind has been the last few days. It's something.