Not the Merriest Christmas

It feels impossible that its been 13 weeks tomorrow since my sweet baby was taken from me. Sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday and other times it feels like it was an eternity ago. My sweet innocent angel was taken from life before she even got a chance to live it.

 .... And today was my due date. If things had gone the way they were supposed to I would be either ready to pop or already have my sweet angel. I'd be a mommy to a sweet newborn little Avery but no. I'm here, no big belly and no baby.

I have good days and I have bad days but I never even have 5 minutes where she doesn't cross my mind. I would do anything to hold or kiss her one more time, but I can't. I will sit here and smile and celebrate Christmas with my family just like any year but deep down it will be a lot different. Not just for me and Ethan, for everyone. Everyone loved her and wanted her here, and even if they don't think about her daily or aren't heartbroken anymore (and even if they never were.) It will be different for them too.

 I want my baby. I want her in the tiny bib I bought way early on in my pregnancy that said "My First  Christmas" that I have now lovingly passed on to friends who have a baby who will wear it. I want to be eating spicy food and walking to try and make this baby come. I want to be up all night with her. I miss her so and no Christmas will ever be the same. No day will ever be the same. Nothing will ever be the same.

 As I try to "move on" in life and give back, I still think of her and want her everyday. I will think of her today as I open gifts, eat and spend time to the people I love most in this world and I will wonder what it would be like if things had gone the way the should have.

 Merry Christmas Avery Faith, mommy loves you forever.

Memorial Service

Avery's memorial service just passed, this last Saturday. We had a gorgeous service that went pretty much exactly as planned. We only had two tiny bumps happen but in hindsight they didn't matter too much and won't effect my memory of her service.

 One of my best friends drove down just for the day for her service from California to help set up and be there for her service. That meant so so much to me. I just adore her and the fact that she found a babysitter and got off work to come on that long drive just for me for one day was incredible. I am so blessed to have such amazing friends.

 We had a balloon release and released 86 biodegradable balloons in memory of my sweet girl. One for every minute that she was alive. We had little balloon tags that I ordered and they were just perfect and gorgeous.

 I got a lot of closure at her service, I felt good that day even though I thought it would make me miserable. I had a really really sad day the day after her service though. I have okay days and horrible days but her service was actually pretty good.

Ethan and I each wrote Avery a letter and read them at her service. It went really well and I think it showed everyone our point of view on losing our sweet girl. I'm going to make a post in the next couple days with Ethan and my letters that we read at her service. I will also make another post in the next week or so with the video of Avery's memorial service if you would like to watch that.

 My grandfather ran the service, he did a gorgeous job and I think he touched everyone's heart with his sermon. I know he definitely touched mine.

A good friend of us sang our two songs. One of them was 'Ronan' by Taylor Swift. She helped us alter the words to fit our situations more. It was gorgeous and then she sang 'You Are My Sunshine' which is the song I sang to Avery during my pregnancy and when she was alive. That was stunning and brought me to tears.

 Thank you to everyone who came to Avery's service, it meant the world to me that you could be there and if you couldn't come but sent us some sort of note or message around or on that day, thank you so much. That was so incredible for you as well...

After the service and balloon release we went into a room and had a nice meal and all sat and talked. We had great conversations, great food, and some of the most important people in our lives were there. It was truly gorgeous and such a beautiful way to honor our baby girl's life. I was so glad we had this service to honor her.

 Here are some photo's of her service, after that I will post a small update:

Update: Yes, my pumping and donating my breast milk is going amazingly! I pump every three hours for sweet baby Caleb and he and his daddy come over once a week to pick up our frozen milk and that is what he eats for every meal. Ethan and I have become friends with little Caleb's daddies and we just love baby Caleb. He has a very special place in our hearts. I love that we get to see him and snuggle him and love on him.

 Also the AMAZING company called Molly Bears which makes weighted bears for parents who've lost a baby. They have a 9 month waiting list to get your bear since they're all handmade to order for the families. We made our order and a week or so later I emailed the company asking if we could include a baggie with a small portion of Avery's ashes in her bear. The president of the company wrote back herself and said she would personally do our bear and add her ashes in. And THEN after hearing our story she bumped our bear and made her for us early so she got her for the service. She is the most beautiful bear, and probably one of my most prized possessions now. We are so blessed by people. I was completely blown away by her kindness!

I had my incision check recently and my doctor said my incision from my C Section is looking good. I have a post partum appointment coming up soon as well. Then I will get my MRI to see if the shunt that was in Avery and was misplaced is still in my body. Please pray that it isn't so I don't need to have another surgery/procedure to get it out.

 Thank you everyone for your continued love and support in our lives. It means more to us then you'll ever know! <3

This is me with baby Caleb. The baby I'm donating my milk to

The Loves of my Life

 Today is my amazing Ethan's birthday. I am so incredibly lucky to have him in my life. I learn that more and more everyday and I fall more in love with him everyday as well. No matter what happens he's always there for me and loves me through it. When I'm having a horrible time and sobbing and can barley stand living without our baby he's there to hold me and kiss my head and help me. Even though I know he's grieving and feeling just what I am too, he's there whenever I need him. He's been working so so hard lately and today he had the day off and I've been determined to make his 22nd birthday a good one.

Watching the love of my life hold the other love of my life; our baby for the first time, melted my heart. It made me fall so much more in love with him. I will never forget the facial expression he had while he held her. It was pure love but also so much sadness. We'd just been told she wouldn't live and they couldn't help her. He was looking at her and I've never seen anyone look more in love in their life but his eyes were welled up with tears of sadness, heartbreak, and helplessness. He pulled her up closer to him and kissed her little face "I love you, Avery" he said. He brought her over to me and said "Olivia, this is our baby. Look at her!" I was in shock and was just as in love as he was. Our little family was all together, holding each other in the operating room. The nurse asked if I wanted to do skin to skin and I did. She undid the whole top of my hospital gown and laid my baby girl on my breast. She started squirming and breathing and her heart rate went up. I sang "You are My Sunshine" to her and she squeezed Ethan's finger. He had his other arm rubbing my hair. We were together and I knew I could never love another man more than him and that I loved our little family more than anything.

 The feeling I got when they set my little baby girl on my chest was the most overpowering love I've ever felt. It was the happiest I've ever been but also the most heartbroken I've ever been too. All at the same time.

 I learn more everyday how lucky I am to have been blessed with these two in my life. Avery has taught me so much about life. I'm really having a shitty time dealing with her death but I'm so grateful for all the time I got with her. No matter how short. I love her so much. I'm so lucky to have Ethan by my side for our whole grieving process and my whole life.

 Happy Birthday Ethan, thank you for everything you do for me. I don't tell you enough how grateful I am to have you. Our baby girl was so lucky too, to have a daddy as amazing and loving as you are. I love you and Avery more than life its self and would do anything for you two.

Here is Avery's Birthday Card to her Daddy...