As you know, we experienced the death of our sweet baby girl, Avery only 20 short days ago. This is an extremely difficult situation because no one ever expects a child to die and even after we were told it could happen still had hope and believed our baby would pull through. After the initial loss, most people do not know how to interact with the grieving parents, which is understandable. Ethan and I attended a bereavement support group. I've been going to this group since my miscarriage about two years ago but Ethan just started attending. At group before they've suggested writing a letter and providing people with tips, which may make the situation easier for them and for us. So instead of a letter, I thought I'd write out a blog post. I'm kind of coping the template of the letter they gave out at the support group and another letter that was written by a friend of mine who also attends group. I'll be adding things of my own in this though.
It has been almost 3 weeks since Avery died. Some people may think we are recovering well or will be over it soon. However, there is no time limit on this journey of grief but their are some tips on things you can do to help us or if you don't personally know us but read my blog maybe you'll be able to use this with someone in your life you know who has lost a baby. I've noticed most moms and dads who've lost a baby whether at 10 weeks along in their pregnancy or had a baby that was 10 months old have similar feelings and need similar things.
First, if you don't already know, here is a little information about our daughter. We named her Avery Faith. We used the middle name Faith because we knew we were going to need a lot of Faith throughout my pregnancy with all of our complications. We knew we would need Faith if our daughter was born and lived and needed surgeries and we sure as hell knew we'd need Faith if she was born and died. She was born on Thursday, September 25th, at 10:07 pm by C Section. She was in danger of distress and we were told that she would not make it another week if we didn't deliver her ASAP.
We did choose to have a memorial service for our precious and gorgeous daughter. It is coming up in 10 days. Coincidentally, it falls on the exact day we were going to have our baby shower and exactly one month to the day after she was born and died. We decided to cremate her in case we ever moved from Arizona where we currently live so we wouldn't be leaving behind her headstone and resting place. We also chose this so we could have her with us, always.
We would like to thank EACH ONE OF YOU who has given a hug, said a prayer for us, sent flowers or a card, delivered a meal, and supported us in anyway through this tragic time. It honestly means so so much to us and really does help in our time of need. Thank you for taking the time to read this and for your continued love and support. Thank you for reading any of my posts. I'm not the best writer but it is incredibly therapeutic for me and I think it also helps people understand where I'm coming from and what I'm feeling.
TIPS:
- Saying "I'm sorry for your loss" at any time after a baby has died is never inappropriate or too late. In fact we appreciate it and are grateful that you all remember, because we NEVER forget
- Understanding that the amount of time a child lives does not determine its value or the impact that the child has made on the parents' lives. To ignore what has happened in hopes the the grief will pass, is to diminish the worth of a child that was loved even before its birth. (We had plans and dreams for this child. We prayed for Avery's health everyday as soon as we found out I was pregnant and even more so after we found out things were wrong. She is OUR daughter. Some people think, and have said, how it would be harder if we actually had KNOWN her. Well we did KNOW her. She is our daughter. We only got 86 minutes with her alive but we still KNEW her. Sometimes it hurts more that we didn't know if she would like the color pink or the movie Frozen. What her favorite food or music would be or what her sweet voice would sound like. It isn't easier because we didn't "know" her.)
- If you are uncomfortable about discussing the death of our baby with us because you think we won't want to talk about it, don't shy away. Also don't be afraid to bring it up because you think you're reminding us of the pain. We never forget, she is never not on our minds. Simply say something like, "I just want you to know that I'm here to listen if you need to talk." If we don't want to talk at that time don't assume that we never want to talk. Check back in or take the initiative to get together for lunch or something else. It may be difficult for you hear some of the details of her death, but it is worse for us to experience it and have to keep it to ourselves. (I would also like to add that you don't need to say anything like this if YOU don't want to talk about it. Ask only if you are sincere and are really ready to listen and care. Don't ask our of mere curiosity - ask because you truly care and want to listen. I, myself love talking about Avery and am an open book about what happened. It just hurts when people aren't sincere and just want to know because they're curious.) We may not know what to say to you sometimes, so don't be afraid to ask us questions about Avery's pregnancy, birth or death. Sometimes that makes it easier for us to talk to you when we know what to say.
- Realize that Avery is still the product of our love and the joy of our lives. There is joy and pain. The joy didn't end when Avery died and our pain won't end as soon has the service is over and the cards are sent. Accept both. We need to feel the pain (we want to feel the pain), hard as it is when I'm sad and crying, but it is OK and healthy to mourn Avery. I'm allowed to be mad because this sucks and things like this aren't supposed to happen.)
- Our daughter has a name, use it. Try to remember the parents with a note or phone call on the first Mothers and Fathers Day, as well as the baby's predicted Due date and the anniversary of the child's birth and death. (I am already dreading Christmas because of my Christmas Eve due date. I'll just be honest with you about that. Currently, my heart still breaks every Wednesday when I would have added another week on to my pregnancy. I would have been 30 weeks along today. Or every Thursday as I re-live all the events of the Thursday she was born, all day, from my doctor appointment at noon, to getting my Spinal before my C Section at 9:30 pm, to the time she was born at 10:07 pm, to the time they called time of death at 11:33 pm. It is still hard and it will continue to be hard for a very long time. I still think about it and you talking about it with me won't bring up more of these feelings because they are already there. It is nice when anyone remembers.)
- Please make an effort to not underestimate the DEPTH of the pain, the strength of the grief, and most importantly, the difference your support and involvement can make during this painful adjustment. There may not be any other time when you're needed in our lives more than now. If you distance yourself until you think a reasonable amount of time has passed, because you're uncomfortable, you may find a different kind of distance and hurt between yourself and the grieving parents. We will never be the same people ever again, Avery changed us and the death of Avery changed us. We're adjusting to our new normal in our lives and if you leave because you think it'll be better for us, when you come back we probably won't be the same people you remember. If you share in the experience everyone will come our stronger. Many of you have already done so much and we are thankful from the bottom of our hearts for your love, support, and kindness.
These are the the tips listed in the letter we got from our support group. I thought they were helpful and could maybe help some of you understand a little bit more of what we are feeling.
We miss our daughter every second of every day. Some days are much harder than others. We survive moment by moment. We can and do smile and we can see the blessing in our lives. We are still functional people but that doesn't mean we aren't hurting or struggling still. This is normal and OK! Please don't say anything to make us feel badly or not normal for feeling this way. We try to smile when we walk by you, but just because we smile doesn't mean there isn't pain behind it all. If I'm not crying that doesn't mean I'm not heartbroken. I don't like it when people say to me "You seem to be doing so well!" because I'm not doing well. I couldn't possibly be doing well, my child died. I'm numb and broken and going through the motions of my day and doing what needs to be done. I enjoy seeing my friends and family still and not just laying around in bed all day sobbing but that doesn't mean I'm not hurting. Somedays I do just want to lay in bed and sob and not talk to anyone but that can't be my everyday. If you see us and we're smiling or not talking about Avery don't assume we aren't sad or that we're over it or "doing well" because this isn't the case.
Thanks for loving us and reading this. If you have any thoughts or questions please don't hesitate to ask us. If you lost a loved one or a child and you would like to add any tips PLEASE DO and please feel free to write your own letter and use my post as a template and share it with your friends and family so they can help you!
I do know we will be with our daughter again someday but that doesn't mean I like hearing that this was all in "Gods Will" because I personally don't think babies and children dying are in Gods will. I think he knows it will happen and allows to to happen but I don't think he makes it happen. I know the Lord has watched over us through all of this and there have been MANY miracles and blessing. I am thankful for them all. I'm thankful for every second I got with my beautiful daughter. But it doesn't mean I don't miss my baby girl and I know that's okay. I'm thankful that Ethan and I are in love and stronger throughout all this. I'm thankful that death isn't the end and that I will hold my baby again and be able to kiss her. I cannot wait to kiss my Avery again someday. I'm eternally grateful that she joined our family and it is precious to me to know that we have our own little guardian angel watching over us. She is forever in our hearts and is forever part of our family and lives. We never want to hide her or forget her presence.
