Not the Merriest Christmas

It feels impossible that its been 13 weeks tomorrow since my sweet baby was taken from me. Sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday and other times it feels like it was an eternity ago. My sweet innocent angel was taken from life before she even got a chance to live it.

 .... And today was my due date. If things had gone the way they were supposed to I would be either ready to pop or already have my sweet angel. I'd be a mommy to a sweet newborn little Avery but no. I'm here, no big belly and no baby.

I have good days and I have bad days but I never even have 5 minutes where she doesn't cross my mind. I would do anything to hold or kiss her one more time, but I can't. I will sit here and smile and celebrate Christmas with my family just like any year but deep down it will be a lot different. Not just for me and Ethan, for everyone. Everyone loved her and wanted her here, and even if they don't think about her daily or aren't heartbroken anymore (and even if they never were.) It will be different for them too.

 I want my baby. I want her in the tiny bib I bought way early on in my pregnancy that said "My First  Christmas" that I have now lovingly passed on to friends who have a baby who will wear it. I want to be eating spicy food and walking to try and make this baby come. I want to be up all night with her. I miss her so and no Christmas will ever be the same. No day will ever be the same. Nothing will ever be the same.

 As I try to "move on" in life and give back, I still think of her and want her everyday. I will think of her today as I open gifts, eat and spend time to the people I love most in this world and I will wonder what it would be like if things had gone the way the should have.

 Merry Christmas Avery Faith, mommy loves you forever.