Gone Too Soon

We went in for our doctor appointment on Thursday to make a plan as to what we would do. We found out that Avery would not make it even until the next week in utero. We were told to go home and get our things and we would have the C Section that night. They would do everything they could to save her but they didn't think she would live. We were warned of all the risks of a C Section and told that even if we do the C section now she may go into distress during it and die before they pull her out.

 In total shock we went home, packed a bag, grabbed Avery's things and headed back to the hospital. We called and texted friends and family to ask for prayers. When we got checked in at the hospital we had my grandparents, Ethan's grandparents, my mom, and our doula there. Our doula helped us finish up our birth plan and hand it over to the doctors and nurses. After a few hours of prep we headed into surgery. Ethan scrubbed in and we had the plan that if they could save her Ethan would go off with her to NICU and my mom would come in to the OR to be with me for the end of the surgery. I asked them what she would look like so I could be prepared and they said for her gestational age (27 weeks) and her conditions she would probably be only about 1.5 pounds, 2 pounds if they were lucky. She would have a very distended tummy filled with fluid. She would be about 10 inches long. She would have peach fuzz all over her body but no real head hair. They also told me she may never cry because of her lungs being so small.

 After what felt like forever of getting me numb, and prepping for surgery they let Ethan in to hold my hand. We sat there terrified and on the brink of tears but also excited to meet our baby girl. After what must have been only about 10 minutes but felt like an hour they said "Okay, Olivia look up!" and over the curtain they showed us this small beautiful baby with a huge tummy and a head full of hair. She was covered in goo still and didn't look very happy. She pulled her arms up to her face and put her hands over her mouth (just like she always did in our ultrasounds) and she turned her head a little. She wasn't making any noise but she was just gorgeous. At 10:07 PM on Thursday September 25th, 2014 the most beautiful person in the entire world was born. They then handed her over to the Neonatal team to evaluate her. Ethan and I looked at each other, she was the most gorgeous thing we'd even seen in our lives.

 The neonatologist came over a couple minutes later and told us "She can't be saved. She has very little or no lung function. She isn't trying to breathe and her heart rate keeps dropping she's at 41 beats per minute right now and won't live for long. I'll give her some morphine in her mouth it won't shorten her live any but will help her pain and then bring her to you."  Our hearts broke but they brought over Avery in her swaddle blanket that we brought into the OR for her and handed her to Ethan. He kissed her and rubbed her head full of hair. We were tearing up but were also overjoyed at the sight of our baby. He leaned down and let me kiss her head and held her some more. The nurses undid my gown and said they could lay her on my chest for skin to skin.

 They set her down and my world stopped. I loved this baby SO much in utero and I didn't think I could love her anymore or love anyone anymore than I already loved her. They put her on me and I got this feeling, I can't explain it but I loved her so much. The most I've ever loved anything, maybe more than anyone in the world has ever loved anything or anyone. She was mine and she was perfect. She had the little hospital hat on and her swaddle blanket but we moved it over so she could lay her skin on mine. When we did that she started moving and trying to take deep breaths. She was taking small ones and her heart rate got higher. She liked being on my chest and hearing my voice. Ethan sat beside us as we held her and kissed her. I started to sing you are my sunshine to her and it made Ethan and I cry but she moved and she liked it. Ethan reached up and she grasped his finger and held on.

 They told us originally we couldn't have any cameras in the OR but because they thought she may die in there they went and got the Doula's camera from the waiting room and a nurse started taking photos. They let Ethan take his phone out too and we got a few. I let him hold her some more and we just laid there holding her and and kissing her over and over. They periodically were checking her heart rate to see if she was still alive but it was still there. They took her from Ethan and put her back on my chest after moving me off the operating table to the recovery bed and wheeled us down the hall into recovery to see our family. As we came down the hall I saw my mom standing at the recovery door waiting to see us when she did she started to run toward the bed. I shook my head no to tell her she wouldn't live but that she was with us. She asked me "Is she alive?" and the nurse told her yes. She started crying and rubbing her head "Oh Olivia she's beautiful!" The rest of our family gathered around and started taking pictures and cooing over her. I handed her to my mom and slowly they all got to hold her and see her and kiss her. They handed her back to me and I just kissed her and loved on her. The doula was taking pictures the whole time.

 After awhile our families decided they should go so we could have some time with her. My Opa went to get the car for my Grandy. So only my Grandy (grandmother), my mom, Ethan, the doula, Avery and I were left. My Grandy was holding her and they came to check her heart, they set her down and I knew she wasn't there anymore. They'd been checking it saying it was still there but very faint for awhile. She called time of death at 11:33. My heart was broken and still is. They handed her back to me and we cried and held her.

 After a few hours I was ready for them to weigh her and measure her so they took her and did her hand prints and some photos. She was 3 lbs 13 oz,  and 13 inches long. She was a big baby for her age. She was just stunning too.

 We got some visitors that night and then once everyone left Ethan and I just held her. We decided along with our doctors to keep her body in the room with us. This is a very common thing and she wouldn't start to break down or anything and Ethan and I needed more time with her. We had a lot of visitors the next day and got lots of memory making items. Including hand and foot prints, casts of her hands and feet, lock of hair, her hospital band, etc. We bathed her and dressed her in a couple outfits all the time just holding her and kissing her. We had Now I lay Me Down to Sleep the foundation that takes photos for families come and they got a gorgeous photoshoot with us. We get the pictures back in a couple or three weeks and I honestly can't wait for them.

 We sent her to the morgue while we slept the last two nights we were in the hospital just to preserve her body but we did have her during the day. I will say the time we got was no where near enough but having her was so helpful. We got discharged yesterday and today we have to go to the funeral home to dress her and say our final goodbye to her body before they cremate her. I know she's no longer in her body but we love her physical body and being able to hold and kiss her. I have no idea how we'll find the strength to be able to say goodbye today but I am so thankful for the time I got with my baby. It was no where near enough and Ethan and I are beyond heart broken. I will post a couple of the photos we have of her below but I'm sure I'll share more as we get them back from the doula, family and friends who visited, and NILMDTS.

 I'll post more soon, maybe a more emotional post. I don't even want to get into the emotions because I can't figure out how to express them in words yet. Thank you all for your continued thoughts, prayers, comments and offers. Someone set up a page to bring us dinners! We are so grateful! We know our first meal is coming in a few days and we're just overwhelmed with all the love and support we're surrounded with and all the love pouring in for our baby. Avery Faith Selin. She is the most perfect human to ever live on this earth. We got 87 minutes with her and that will never be enough but I wouldn't trade those 87 minutes for anything in the world.